Itai! Pairing Bashing: A Fun Poke At Them All!
by NanDeMoNai
Summary: Hey, let's make fun of all the pairings out there! In fact, I'm going to start out with my personal favorite pairing! Don't be insulted, this is all just for fun! [Yaoi and Yuri]
1. SasuNaru

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: As a proof of my promise to only write this collection for fun, I have started the story out by bashing my one and only favorite pairing. SasuNaru. Sorry guys! I really hate to put you two in such situations, but if I can bash my own pairing, you readers won't be uber-sensitive and take out the torches, right? **

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator

---

"Sasuke!" Naruto cried out happily, waving down the Uchiha as he passed by on the streets of Konoha. **Dang it, what kind of dialogue is this?**

**Ugh, this is so disturbing…** "Naruto! Hey…" Sasuke took out a hand from his pocket and raised it a bit to greet the boy.

"Are you busy today?" the blonde ran over to him and took his hand. **Mustn't… crush… hand…** He grinned widely at him.

"Oh, no… Not today, I'm free, why?" Sasuke smiled faintly at him, continuing to walk down the street with only one hand in his pocket now.

"Umm… I was wondering," **'if you would so kindly kill yourself right now…'** Naruto blushed a bit and looked away,** "**if you'd like to spar with me today?"

"Sure, why not?" **Maybe I'll be lucky and will get to kill you with a kunai…**

---

"Oh! Naruto, are you okay? Sorry about that…" **Dang, he isn't dead yet!**

Naruto winced slightly as Sasuke ran over. He pulled out the kunai from his arm. "I'm fine…" **No thanks to you!** "Kyuubi will be able to heal me by tonight…"

Sasuke's eyebrows furrowed together. **Go to hell, Kyuubi and let him die!** "But still… You're in pain right now…" **Though I wish you were in more pain that this…**

"I'll be okay!" Naruto raised his uninjured arm and tried to wave him away. **Yeah right, with you around, you'd probably try to kill me… Again.**

"Look, come over to my house and I'll help you with the wound, alright?" Sasuke kneeled down by Naruto and looked at him gently. "And no arguing," he said firmly. **I'm tired of bickering with you, dobe…**

Naruto sighed. **Stupid teme, always demanding me to do things I don't want to do… Dang it…** "Fine, fine…"

---

"Here, have some tea, I'll go get the bandages…" Sasuke handed Naruto a hot cup of tea and walked away.

"Thanks," he mumbled and took it. His jacket was off so that the injury would be easy to treat. Lifting the cup to his face and allowing the steam to spiral around his face, he placed the warm ceramic cup to touch his lips. **No poison that I can detect. Hey, you're not going to kill me in this stupid story, are you?**

Sasuke rummaged around before he found the medicine and bandages. **… so tempted to take the kunais…** "Here we are…" he muttered as he returned to the spot where Naruto was resting at. "Let me see that arm…"

The blonde nodded and set the cup down on the table in front of him. He stuck out his arm apprehensively and watched as Sasuke placed down some rubbing alcohol, medicine, and bandages onto the table as well.

"It doesn't seem that bad…" he murmured. **But hey, let's amputate it anyway!** "I can't believe you didn't dodge that kunai…" **It was going at a slug's pace, idiot…**

"Hmph," Naruto turned his head away childishly but didn't move otherwise. His arm was still in Sasuke's hands. **Teme…**

Sasuke lowered his arm down and got some cloth and soaked it with rubbing alcohol. "This'll burn a bit…" he said quietly. **But not as much as I'd wish it would burn… Burn his arm off!** He wiped the clotting blood around the wound away, carefully avoiding the actual gash.

The blonde could feel the cold wetness of the cloth as Sasuke cleaned the wound. "This is really unnecessary, you know?" **Wasting my time like this…**

The Uchiha snorted. **It's not like I really love cleaning some idiot's wounds all the time…** "I can't just let you walk away with a hole in your arm. Even though it'll be gone by tomorrow morning."

"Have it your way, stubborn teme," Naruto followed Sasuke's actions as he unrolled some of the bandages and smeared some medicine around his wound. **I'm going to scrub my arm off now that you've touched it with your filthy hands…**

Sasuke began wrapping the bandages around the blonde's arm gingerly. **Tainted hands for the rest of my life. This is what I get for being in a story?** "There, feel better?"

"Yeah, sure. It's still unnecessary," Naruto said stubbornly, glancing at his jacket, which now had a hole where the kunai pierced through it. He sighed, "Another jacket gone…" **Every single time we train you just have to ruin my clothing!**

**What kind of stupid idea will this be?** "Look, I'll make you dinner if it'll make you feel any better about your jacket," Sasuke stood up and rolled up the unused bandages again. **This stuff is going straight to the trash…**

"Will you make my favorite meal?" Naruto's face brightened as he looked at Sasuke with hopeful eyes. **How dare you make me look at that teme with such an expression! This is worst kind of torture!**

"What? You except me to make miso ramen for you by hand?" Sasuke stopped his task and stared at Naruto incredulously. **Like I would do something like that for you! **He sighed, "Fine…" **That wasn't what I was going to say! Darn you!**

Naruto grinned triumphantly. **Take that, sucker!**

**---**

"Hm… This doesn't taste bad, Sasuke!" **It tastes horrible! Pleh, pleh!** Naruto slurped up more of the ramen with gusto.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was calmly pulling out some of the ramen and eating it. **Choke, dang it, choke!** A small smile on his face. **A smile of doom and murder!** "I'm glad you like it… Although I'm not going to be feeding you ramen all the time. Your body needs more nutrients and minerals than what ramen offers you." **Yeah, I'll put some nice metal in you too, if you want…**

"Augh, don't even try to lecture me on that! Kakashi-sensei has tried and failed quite a few times!" **Like I would listen to you…**

The Uchiha laughed a bit and put down his chopsticks by the side of his bowl. "But I'm different, aren't I?" **Heck yeah, I am!**

"Hmmm…." Naruto tapped his chin with his index finger. **Yeah right, teme…** "That depends," he said ambiguously.

Sasuke smiled and stood up, ruffling up Naruto's hair. He picked up their bowls and dumped out the leftover soup into the sink. "Go shower, but be careful of the wound," he ordered the blonde as he began rinsing out the bowls. **Why am I the one who has to serve that idiot?!**

"Yeah, sure… My clothes are…?" Naruto trailed off, half standing from the table. **Better not be ruined!**

**Stupid story-maker didn't let me destroy your dang clothes! **"It the closet, remember?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot…" he laughed a bit and raced up the stairs nosily. **Noo! Let me beat him up or something! Why am I running up the stairs!?**

**---**

The doorknob of the restroom turned slowly. Warm water was spurting out of the showerhead and Naruto was humming a song, shampooing his hair. He wasn't excepting a 'visitor' right now.

Low breathing sounds could be heard as the door creaked open slowly. A cold gust of air filtered into the steamed up bathroom.

"Hm?" Naruto grabbed some of the curtain and peeked out to see what it was. His eyes widened.

"Hey," Sasuke looked at him dully, his hand on the knob. **MY EYES! THEY BURN!**

The blonde's face turned red as he drew the curtain around himself. **Oh my god, isn't this freaking illegal?** "What are you doing in here, Sasuke?" he squeaked nervously. Sweat and warm water mixed as they dripped down his face.

"Brushing my teeth," he said, as if they were talking about homework. He walked over to the sink and turned on the water. Sasuke smirked when he heard Naruto sigh in relief. **I wonder if a toothbrush is sharp enough to impale…**

**This wasn't in the contract…**

---

"Hehe…"

"What's up with the creepy laugh and look, Naruto?" Sasuke was sitting up in bed, getting ready to sleep. Naruto was lurking behind him, chuckling childishly and looking at him. **I'm going to gouge your eyes out if you keep looking!**

**Torturous… Can't look away, but I really… really… want to… **"Do you loo-ve me?" the blonde stretched out the word ridiculously long. **'Cause I sure as heck don't!**

"Tch," Sasuke rubbed his slightly damp hair a bit and stood up. **Maybe if I pretend I didn't hear him, he'll go away…**

"'Cause, y'know…" Naruto leapt off the bed and jumped onto his shoulders. **Why am I doing this? LET ME JUMP OFF!** He leaned over to his ear and whispered, **'You suck?' **"I love you…" **OH MY GOD!**

Sasuke missed a step when Naruto jumped on him. **My back… is breaking…** He laughed a bit when he heard Naruto say those three words again. **Heck, no! **"Well then…" he turned around as the blonde nuzzled him with his cheek. **Stop that before I kill you. **"What can I say?" **Oh, I know! GO DIE.**

"Hm… Well, you can say a variety of things…" he jumped off and grabbed Sasuke's shoulder, turning his body around so that they were facing each other. **Like, gee, I don't know, 'Naruto, you rock, here, you can kill me and claim yourself better than the Uchiha family!'**

"Is that so?" Sasuke asked gently. **You are not going to…**

Naruto nodded and leaned in, kissing him. **Holy crap, what the heck did you just make me do!?**

**Let me die right now, please! **He hugged Naruto and put his head on his shoulder. "I love you, too…" **That's a flat out LIE!**

"Hehe…"

"Okay, we're done with this freaking story!" Sasuke punched Naruto, pushing him away, and cracked his knuckles. "You… Didn't say anything about that in our script…" 

"Ow! The heck, man, I'm going to take revenge too! Ugh, disgusting! Kissing you, blach!"

_Ah-ha… I'd better end this chapter here before I get killed…_


	2. SasuSaku

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: SasuSaku is up next! Don't fuss you guys, I already have the next three or four chapters all planned out. I have in mind all the pairings and things that will happen in this series! I hope you guys will support me throughout the writing of this!**

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator.

---

"Ah! Sa… Sakura, wait!" **B-but I just went through this torture!**

"Hm?" Sakura stopped walking. Team Seven just ended their practice. Naruto was running off yelling about ramen and Kakashi had poofed away immediately. They were still standing in the training grounds. **Oh! Sasuke's talking to me!**

"I… have to tell you something…" **No I don't and you know I don't!**

**Haha, Ino-pig is going to be so jealous!** "What is it, Sasuke-kun?" she looked back and saw Sasuke walking toward her.

**My legs… won't… stop!** "I… um…" he stopped talking and coughed to clear his throat. "Have I told you that…" Sasuke turned red and abruptly changed the topic. "Uh… your forehead…" **'makes me want to puke?' **"is cute? I… I think it's one of your," **'worst'** "best attributes…"

"Sasuke..." she whispered. **Oh my god, am I dreaming?**

"I… Sakura, I like you…" he looked away and blushed even deeper. **Yeah, just so you know, I'm not blushing. My face is red from rage. Terrible, terrible rage!**

"R-really?" Sakura's eyes widened in surprise. **Finally! Love wins over!**

"Yes…" **Oh my god, this is worst than the last chapter where you stuck me with freaking Naruto!** "I… I hope you won't… reject me…"

Sakura ran over and hugged him. "Oh, Sasuke… Of course not…" she started crying. **Heck yes, I'm your's!**

"Ah! Sakura… Don't cry…" Sasuke wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, smiling lightly. **A smile that is worst than death and taxes!**

"Why… didn't you tell me earlier?" **Not like I mind you telling me now…** Sakura looked up with shining eyes. Her eyelashes were slightly clumped with sparkling tears.

Sasuke let go a bit and looked at her for a long time, as if to **try and use my awesome Sharingan and kill her?** take the sight of her and preserve it forever. "I… didn't realize it until… Until now… Sorry if I made you wait," he apologized, smiling kindly at her.

"Oh Sasuke!" she cried once more and clung onto him ardently. **Bwahaha! You're mine too!**

**Does she not feel my killer intent?**

---

"S-Sakura-chan? Sasuke-teme? What the heck?" Naruto skidded to as stop when he ran into the two of them. **I hate you, idiot author! Why them?! This is so unfair!**

"Ah, Naruto…" Sakura said shyly, hiding a bit behind Sasuke's arm. **Haha, now you can stop bugging me about a date or whatever!**

Sasuke smirked. **This sucks so much… She's cutting off my blood circulation…** "Naruto," he said curtly, his head tilted up a bit to show his superiority.

"You… You two…?" he looked at them. Sakura was clinging onto Sasuke's arm and he was standing there looking smug. **Looks like she molested you or something, teme…**

**Shut up! It's not funny!** "Yeah, you have something against it?" Sasuke inquired grandly.

"N… No… I'm… happy for the two of you. Heh… Congrats," he laughed quietly and shuffled away. **The next chapter better be me and Sakura!**

"Oh… I didn't except him to react like that…" Sakura furrowed her eyebrows. No matter what, Naruto was still her friend and it hurt her to see him so disappointed. **Yeah right I am. I'm so happy I got rid of that leech.**

"He'll be fine in two days," Sasuke reassured her. **But I'm going to be mentally scarred for the rest of my life.**

"Hm…" she hummed guiltily but nodded anyway.

---

The afternoon passed quickly for the two lovers. **We're not freaking lovers!** Now night has fallen gently over the Hidden Leaf Village. Stars twinkled cheerfully and the moon smiled down upon them. Some houses still had their lights on but a majority of them were off.

Somewhere off on a gently sloping hill, two figures were sitting together somewhat awkwardly. **We're not awkward. See how Sasuke-kun and I seem to be made for each other? We're the perfect pair!** Their faces were decorated with a soft sweep of a blush. Their hands were clasped together as they silently admired the celestial bodies.

**My mouth won't open… I can't tell her to get the heck away from me…**

**Hehe… Maybe he'll even ask me to be his wife soon! **She turned a bit to face Sasuke. Her eyes were half-lidded, heavy from the drug called love. She smiled brightly at him, sighing contently.

"Sakura… You look so," **'ugly'** "cute tonight… Your eyes… They sparkle," **'with malice and murder'** "so beautifully…"

Sakura giggled girlishly as Sasuke whispered sweet nothings to her. His eyes melted into her own as only the quiet song of the night creatures could be heard. "I've always thought you were rather handsome yourself… Stop flattering me, now!" she said bashfully. **No, for all means, go on!**

"You don't like it?" the Uchiha said breathlessly to her, leaning in a bit. His hand slipped out of her own as he started to embrace her loosely. **The words that are coming from my mouth… Are so revolting…**

The pink-haired girl laughed again. "I like it… But you don't have to make me seem so beautiful…" she said softly, noting his actions. **A kiss? With Sasuke! Score!**

Sasuke chuckled. "Well… I'll continue then, if you enjoy it…" he said to waiting eyes."Sakura… Your voice is," **'so darn shrill I want to go deaf…'** "so wonderful… Your breath smells," **'so foul I want to puke right now'** "so sweet… I want to taste it…" **You're trying to give me diseases now, aren't you? This is on purpose, isn't this?!**

**Oh… Is he really going to kiss me?** Sakura's breath caught as her body stiffened slightly.

Sasuke leaned in closer, his eyes closing a bit. One of his hands was behind Sakura's head and the other one was on her back. **Auuuggh…**

**He really is going to kiss me! Oh my god, this is going to be the happiest day in my entire life!** Sakura did the same, closing her eyes gently so that her eyelashes fanned out prettily. Her breathing was slightly faster, as her heartbeat was.

The Uchiha could feel Sakura's breath on him, so fast and strained. Just a little bit closer and they would share their first kiss together…

"Dang it! I'm not going to kiss this beast!" Sasuke pushed Sakura away and stood up angrily. His face was twisted in a look of disgust. "I don't care if this chapter isn't long enough for you, but I am NOT, under any circumstances kissing this hag!"

"Sasuke-kuuun! Come back! We still need to kiss!"

_Augh, well my character just ran out on me… Guess it's time to work on the next chapter then…_


	3. NaruSaku

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: Augh, sorry! With each passing chapter, I seem to be writing more and more bad plots and stuff… Sorry for the bad quality of the follow chapter! Judging from its title, can you guess what this chapter focuses on? **

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator

---

"Ne, Sasuke?" Naruto looked up from his scroll and glanced over the edge of the paper.

"Hn?" **Shoot, she's not pairing us up again, is she?**

There was a long silence that filled the air after Sasuke carelessly made his annoying sound and continued to read from his own scroll.

**No, I don't think we'll get another chapter, thank goodness…**

**What? You don't know what pairing this is?! Didn't you get the script, dobe?**

**Hey, look who's talking! Even you don't know who's paired up with who this time, teme!**

**Shut up, let's just keep going…**

**Fine…**

"Ne, you know… That I fancy Sakura, right?" **Ah… I see… Lucky me!**

**(snort) Have fun, dobe.** "Of course not, Naruto…" he rolled his eyes and put down the scroll for a moment. "No one in the world would have the intelligence to figure that you're head over heels in love with Sakura!"

Naruto pouted and threw down his scroll, stomping over to Sasuke. "Don't make fun of me!" He tried to grab his overly large collar but was slapped away quickly. **Ow! What kind of ninja _slaps_?**

**An elite one, like myself, of course!** "Tch. What is it that you want, asking me so many useless things?"

**Ah-ha… Very funny.** "Well… Um…" the blonde stuttered a bit and blushed, his hands preoccupied with the task of poking his index fingers together.

Sasuke sighed impatiently and picked up his scroll again. **Blah, blah… Something… What is this thing about?!**

"Hey! Listen, teme!" Naruto raised a vein pulsing fist up to his face. **How dare you act cool!**

"Fine, fine, idiot! What is it?" Sasuke asked irritably.

"Do you think she'll go on a date with me if I ask?"

More silence.

"No."

"Dang you!"

"You asked for my opinion…" **It's actually true, idiot…**

"Augh, you suck!" **The truth… It hurts…**

---

"Hmm…"

"What is it Naruto? You're so annoying!" Sakura raised an eyebrow at the boy. She was sitting under a tree, studying diligently. He had suddenly sprinted to her and crouched in front of her, grinning at her childishly. **I'm still sore from the last chapter… My kiss… It was so close!**

"Um… Um… Sakura-chan?" **Hehe… There's no way you can escape my offer now!** "Do you… want to go on a date with me?"

"Ch…" she clicked her tongue in annoyance. **Noooo!** "You really are annoying… Fine, but just this once…" **Crap…**

"Yes!" Naruto sprung up and punched a fist into the air, celebrating that he wasn't rejected again. **Success!**

---

Ah… Let's see… Hm, where else do you think Naruto would bring Sakura out on a date? Yeah, you guessed it…

"Sakura-chan… Do you like the ramen?"

"Yeah, Naruto, it's great!" **I hate ramen…** Sakura chirped cheerfully, smiling over at Naruto. Though she masks her feelings toward him with expertise, it is only the truth that deep within her heart, she truly loves him. Not as a friend either. **Gee, you sure are good at making lies…**

"I'm glad!" Naruto slurped up a mouthful of ramen and tried to grin at the same time. **Mm… Good ramen…**

Sakura daintily put her chopsticks by the side of her bowl and waited for Naruto to finish before asking, "Where are we going next, Naruto?" **I'll go home and you can go to hell, okay?**

"Hmmm…." Naruto mumbled through a mouthful of ramen. He swallowed hastily before replying, "How about we take a walk around the park?" **So full…**

"Which… Oh, the one that we all used to play at?" Sakura realized what he was talking about. "Sure!" **Ugh, another place to go to with _him_?**

---

The park was empty except for the two of them. Sakura was sitting down on a swing and Naruto was behind her, holding onto the chains right above her hands.

"This place… Is full of our memories, huh, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked quietly.

Sakura nodded slightly, looking around the familiar spots that she used to play at with Ino back then.

"Everyday was spent here, messing around… Until the end of the day when everyone's parents came to pick them up… Except for me… I was always here alone… Watching everyone's backs as they left…" Naruto shook his head sadly, as if to rid himself of old cobwebs. "Well, that was back then…"** Yeah, talking like this makes me feel older than Jiraiya…**

"Naru…" Sakura began but was cut off. **How dare you cut me off so rudely!**

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked apprehensively. **Wait, I forgot my lines…**

"Hm?" Sakura replied absentmindedly.

**Oh, yeah! I remember now… Wait… Yeah! Okay…** "Why did you agree to come on this date with me? Usually you reject and… hit me…" **Really hard too… **

Sakura didn't answer. **I'm not answering this… I'm not. Answering. Thi—** "Because… Maybe…" she sighed. **Not… Answering…** "Look, chasing after Sasuke for so many years and watching you do the same for me… It made me realize… Maybe… You aren't that bad… Not as annoying as I thought you were… Not as childish… Maybe…"

"Sa…Sakura-chan… That means?" **I wish this was true… Waah…**

"How many times do I need to repeat myself before you understand, idiot?" Sakura looked down and blushed deeply. **Oh geez…**

She had excepted him to jump around crazily and holler but she was surprised when she felt his hands let go of the chains and hug her around the waist. **Let go… Let go…**

"Thanks Sakura-chan…" he said quietly to her, unusually calm. He was wearing a wide grin as he hugged her. **This is going to be the only time I can hug her and not get killed… Better savor it…** "You don't know how much it means to me… To have someone like me… And to acknowledge me…"

The pink haired girl laughed lightly. **Can I change it to my laugh of evil and doom? Because I think that's the only laugh I can summon up right now…** "I was half afraid that you would go running around telling the entire world…"

"Oh? Well…" he stood up halfway and rested his head on her shoulder. **Ah… This is heaven…**

**I'm going to shower at least seven times tonight… **"Well, what, Naruto-kun?"

He kissed her lightly on the cheek. **Yes! I got to kiss Sakura-chan!**

**Oh my god, my face! It's going to melt off or something! Augh, save me, someone, anyone!**

"I was going to do that right now!" Naruto jumped up and raced out of the park, yelling incoherent things into the village. He was so ecstatic and excited that he had a girlfriend now… **Too bad… This is only a story… Man, this sucks…**

"Sasuke and Naruto haven't killed you yet… Maybe I should try my luck at that, hmm?"

_Oh crud…_


	4. LeeGaa

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: Geez, this one is just random! I wish I could promise you guys better plotlines that make more sense, but I'm kind of out of ideas… Fear not! The next one _should_ be better! I bet half of you guys are dead and tired of reading my crappy stuff! Sorry! **

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator.

---

Sand swirled around a pair of still feet. A dark shadow cooled the ground from the mid-afternoon's sun. "Konoha…" **How did I get here? I was still in Suna three seconds ago… Freaky.**

"Okay! If I can't do a thousand sit ups, then I'll kick the log five thousand times! Yosh!" A blur of green could be seen on the ground. Lee was practicing his taijutsu again with his self implied rules. **Yes, good practice! But why am I here again?**

A small rustle in the leaves made Lee stop from his practice. "Huh?"

Two green eyes glowed ominously from the depths of the leaves. **My eyes are dry…**

"Gaara?" Lee stood up and walked closer to the spot where Gaara was standing. "What are you doing here in Konoha?" **Uh… Even I don't know why I'm here, though…**

**You're asking _me_? **"I came to visit," he said lowly, his arms crossed, like usual. **Really, now?**

"Where's Kankuro and Temari then? Are they here as well?" Lee wiped his forehead and stood there, looking at the half-hidden boy. **Wah… Come out already, you look creepier than usual…**

**What do you mean 'than usual'?!** "They're not here," the boy said flatly and stepped out of the leaves, his head tilted down.

"Why not?" **I didn't mean that! Don't look at me with such scary eyes!**

"They're busy at Suna," the redhead looked up with seemingly cold and uncaring eyes. **What a lie…**

Lee smiled brightly. In fact, he smiled so brightly even a small 'pang' could be heard. "I see! Well, maybe I should take you around Konoha! I bet you didn't have time to explore the place the last time you were here!" **Yeah, you were too busy helping us out and stuff, huh?**

"Hmm…" **So… what am I doing here again?**

---

"There's the Hokage's building. You can see it easily from here! Hey, Gaara, are you hungry?" **Haha… I don't know why I'm escorting him through here like a guest…**

"Not really," Gaara looked around distastefully. **I'm being forced to go around here with this guy? Why?**

"Hey, I know!" Lee grinned and grabbed Gaara's hand. "It's hot today, right?"

**It's summer, what do you think?** Gaara nodded uncertainly, still being dragged around.

"It's perfect weather…" they turned a corner quickly. Lee looked around, paused then ran again, still pulling the red head around the place. **Hmm… What am I looking for again?**

"Where are you taking me?" Gaara asked, irritated. **I hate being dragged around like this…**

The boy stopped abruptly, nearly causing Gaara to run into him. "Here we are!" **Where are we?**

"Huh?"

"Hmm… I'll take the strawberry flavored one, please!" Lee smiled and ordered the item happily. **Waait… Am I going to have to pay for this?** He turned around and looked at Gaara. "What about you?"

"Uh…" Gaara blinked and gaped at him. **I don't even know what we're buying…**

"Uhm… Okay, we'll take two strawberries, then!" he told the cashier and handed her some bills. "I hope you like strawberries, Gaara-kun!" **I personally prefer kiwi but…**

**Aughh…** "Sure…" he said uncertainly at Lee.

"Thanks!" Lee said with gratitude and took the two ice cream cones. "Come on, Gaara!" he said hastily, shoving one of the cones to the boy. **But I wanted kiwi!**

"Oh… Thank… you," Gaara said quietly, staring at the cold ice cream in his hand. **Uh… What is this?**

"Okay! Let's go!" Lee took a big bite out of his cone and strutted out of the shop, looking back momentarily to see if Gaara was following. He wasn't. **What are you doing?**

… **My brother ate the script. I don't know what to do next…** Green eyes looked up. For a moment, a flicker of loneliness and uncertainty passed by them but the look quickly went away and was replaced with a confused look again. He didn't know what to do.

A sweatdrop ran down Lee's face as he walked back over to the dumbfounded boy. "Ah… You seemed to be a little lost when I was bringing you around… Don't you know how to react right now?" **Where's your memory of YOUTH?!**

"I am not used to such hospitality," he said truthfully. Looking at the melting ice cream in his hands. **Uh… Yeah, this is going to get so messy if that thing gets on my hands…**

"Eat it."

"What?"

"The ice cream, silly! Eat it! It's going to melt!" Lee laughed at him and began biting his own cone, seeing that the heat was making it turn watery as well. **Ow, brain freeze!**

"Oh…" Gaara stuck his tongue out apprehensively and licked the dripping ice cream. **This thing is too sweet…**

"Come with me!" popping in the last of the cone into his mouth, Lee took Gaara's arm and tugged him away again, chuckling lightly all the while. **This plotline… doesn't seem to make much sense…**

**Not again…**

---

"Doesn't Konoha look wonderful from up here?" Lee breathed in deeply and stared at the village below them. **I want to sneeze right now…**They were standing on top of the carved faces of the previous Hokages.

Gaara nodded absentmindedly. After staying with Lee for such a long time, he couldn't help but to think back to the Chuunin exams, when Gai had protected him from his sand out of love. **My hand is sticky and I don't like it at all.** "Lee… What is love?" **Why am I asking this?**

"Huh?" the boy turned around and stared at the redhead with a bewildered expression. **Where's the dictionary when you need it…?** "Well… Hmm… How should I put this?" Lee sat down, crossed leg, motioning Gaara to do the same.

He nodded and sat down as well, looking at Lee with expectant eyes. **My eyes are still dry. Hey, you have an eyedropper or something?**

"Okay… When someone loves another person, they… feel something… Hm… If you love someone you want to protect them forever. No matter what. Sometimes you'll fight with them and say you hate them, but deep in your heart, you don't!" Lee furrowed his eyebrows. "Is that too confusing?" **I don't understand what I just said, but okay…**

**Huh?** Gaara looked down at the stone between them. "It sounds so wonderful…" he pressed his hand against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. "What is it like to be loved by someone?"

**Shouldn't you be asking someone else besides me? I'm just a random guy you fought for that other time…** "It's… indescribable. It's like the Springtime of Youth! Fast and exciting, but strong and everlasting… Sometimes you can feel it physically, but sometimes you can't… And sometimes, it hurts… It hurts so badly…" his voice grew softer. **Like that time when Sakura-chan rejected me…**

Gaara looked up again. "I think I understand… I want to feel love… It hurts… It still hurts here…" he clutched at his shirt, gazing at Lee with ardent eyes. **The wind isn't helping my dry eye symptoms…**

"I think you should already feel it, Gaara…" Lee smiled lightly, leaning closer to him and taking his hand with his own. **Somehow, this doesn't feel right at all…**

"Lee?" **Are you trying to molest me or something?**

"I love you," **'even though you broke my arm and leg, nearly ruined my life as a shinobi, and almost killed me' **"I love you, Gaara…" he repeated. Lee leaned in closer to the younger boy.

Gaara sat there, dumbfounded. **What the heck is he doing?**

Their lips were about to brush against each other when…

Sand erupted from Gaara's gourd, wrapping itself around Lee's arm and body, pulling him back.

"Desert Coffin! Look, I have no idea what is going to happen next since Kankuro so kindly devoured the script, but if my sand doesn't like it, I'm not going to allow it!"

"Waah, I have nothing to do with this, I swear! Let me go, Gaara!"

_Why do all of my chapters end up this way…?_


	5. KakaSakuNaruSasu

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: Okay, due to my knowing that I cannot write three separate chapters for these three pairings, it's a three-in-one chapter! There are three seasons and three different time periods for these three parts! Have fun, even though this chapter is messed up! Wait 'til the next one. That one will _really_** **make your stomach turn!**

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator

---

"And… Okay, today Sasuke will be training with me and Naruto… You can spar with Sakura, hmm?" **Man, it's my turn already? **

It was springtime now, and Team Seven was gathered around the training grounds. It was still morning. Surprisingly, Kakashi was earlier than usual today, so they were able to train more.

"Augh! I'm going to beat up this teme today! Sensei, change the match ups for today, please?" Naruto gazed at him with giant watery eyes. **Don't I get a break or something…?**

Kakashi sighed and closed his visible eye. "Fine," he said flatly. "Sakura, you'll spar with me and Naruto and Sasuke can try their hardest not to kill each other…" **Since when did we start sparring with each other? **He started to lead her away to another part of the training grounds.

**But I thought you already paired up Sasuke-kun and Naruto together!** "Okay, Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura looked back at the two boys, who were already starting to yell at each other and glare with fiery eyes.

"Hmm… I suppose we can start with your taijutsu today. Your other two skills seem to be fine, but you are lacking in taijutsu," the silver haired man said somewhat lazily. He was slouching a bit and looked around uninterestedly. **You took my book away… I don't have anything to read now…**

… **Okay then… **Sakura nodded and got into her fighting stance. She eyed him for a while before deciding that he was probably waiting for her to attack. **Hey, sensei, since we have time… Do you know which pairing this is?**

**Not really… I was busy reading my book.** Kakashi looked at her and raised a hand to stop her punch. "Not enough strength," he commented dryly.

**Auh! I hate it when no one knows the pairing! It's scary, you know?** "Okay…" she leapt back and crouched a bit as Kakashi ran toward her, lecturing her all the while.

"Don't look at your feet. Faster at reacting or you'll get killed. Still not evasive enough. Come on Sakura-chan. Have you not trained enough to do better than this?" he taunted lightly, blocking her blows and attacking with ease. **This is becoming boring now.**

"Ah!" Sakura slipped on a patch of wet grass. It was understandable, seeing that it was still rather early in the morning and the dew hadn't dried off the grass yet. **_Must _you make me a fool every single time?**

Kakashi's eye widened in surprise. He had been so lax, his senses were not as sharp as usual. **Are you saying I'm lazy?** "Careful!" he said hastily, catching her arm and supporting her back.

"Oh…" she said in a small voice, blushing at the position they were in. Even so she didn't move. **It's not like I don't want to move…** "Sensei?" Sakura asked bravely.

"Hm?" the Jounin looked down at her with a half-lidded eye. **Uh… I don't like where this is leading to…**

**(sweatdrop)** "I've… always wanted to see what's under that mask of your's…" she lifted her hand tentatively to his face and placed her cool fingers above the cloth.

From somewhere in the distance, the two of them could faintly hear, "I'm going to tell Kakashi-sensei! You cheater!" Then a loud rustling sound followed by an, "OW! Stupid branch!" Naruto stumbled into the clearing where they were. **Eww….**

"Uhm… Uhmmm…" Sakura stood up and blushed deeper. **This is gross…**

"Hey!" Naruto pointed at Kakashi with squinted eyes. "It's my part now! Get out, Sakura-chan!"

"Aw, geez, I don't even get a fifteen minute break after this thing?" Kakashi sighed and changed the scene.

---

"Haha!" Naruto laughed loudly. **Why must I always laugh loudly? It hurts the throat, you know…**

A warm summer's breeze passed through the area. Sweat ran down both of their faces and evaporated in the midday's strong sun.

"What's so funny, Naruto?" Kakashi looked at him and tried to steady his breathing, taking another stance. **I'd better get more pay for this…** "You've gotten stronger…"

"Heck, yeah, I'm stronger!" the blonde crowed loudly, punching the air then placed his hands on his knees, recovering from their unfinished training. He grinned widely. **Please tell me this pairing isn't what I think it is…**

"Why are you so happy?" the Jounin took out a kunai and held it tightly, looking at his opponent carefully. **Do you really think a Jounin like me would have to worry about a Genin like Naruto? Get your facts straight, at least! Geez…**

Naruto did the same, his hand gripping onto the kunai as if his life depended on it. "This is the training I've always wanted from you! You're always off with Sasuke, training him, but you never train me!" he hollered at him, trying to make Kakashi guilty. **Yeah, aren't teachers not supposed to have favorite subordinates?**

Not only did it not succeed, the only thing Naruto managed to do was to make him chuckle lightly. "Jealous, now are we?"

"No," Naruto ran at his teacher, kunai held up high. "I'm just glad you're finally paying attention to me!" **Ha…. This makes no sense, just to tell you.**

Under his mask, Kakashi smiled and knocked out Naruto's kunai from his hand. With his left hand he twisted the blonde's body around and pressed the flat side of his kunai to his throat. Naruto didn't try to escape from the grip. He just stood there obediently. **It's scary how calm you make Naruto. It's not natural for him to be like this, you know that, right?**

**Why am I so submissive? You make no sense! You are such a terrible writer…** "Heh…"

"Hmm? What's wrong, Naruto… kun?" Kakashi put his head onto Nartuo's and nuzzled it with his chin.

"'ey! You two. Stop acting so touchy. It's my turn."

Both of them snapped back up and looked at the voice.

"Hn… This is going to be bad, isn't it?"

"Yeah, good luck, Sasuke-teme…" Naruto laughed and pushed Kakashi away.

"It just never stops, does it…?" Kakashi rolled his visible eye.

---

Night draped over the village of Konoha. Snow that had fallen blanketed the ground and ceilings softly. A brumal wind brushed by the cheeks of a certain individual who stood atop of a telephone pole.

"Sasuke, what are you doing out here? Isn't it lonely?"

The Uchiha turned his head around. "Hn…" **Judging from the last two parts, I'm not going to enjoy this at all…** His scarf whipped around wildly in the wind.

"Such a detailed answer," Kakashi said sarcastically. **You don't think I'm tired? In every single part so far…** "You're going to catch a cold. What kind of idiot are you? It's the middle of winter already and you're still in your usual garb."

And so he was in his everyday clothes, as ridiculous as it seemed. A large collared, short sleeved shirt, a shorts. And a thin scarf around his neck. "I'm fine." **You've got to be kidding me. I'm going to die if I keep standing out here like this!**

Kakashi took off his cape and pulled it around Sasuke's neck, tying it together tightly. **Okay, now I'm cold. Smart move, author… If either of us die, you're responsible for it.**

"That wasn't necessary," Sasuke said stubbornly, trying to pull off the cape. His hands were stopped by another pair of gloved ones. **Why does he get the nice, warm gloves?**

"Don't be so boorish. I'm trying to be polite here, and you're rejecting my kindness. That hurts, Sasuke-kun…" he said lowly, not letting go of his hands. **This chapter is messed up in so many ways…**

**And so many levels… Ugh.** Sasuke stopped struggling and leaned back into Kakashi's chest.

The man hugged his subordinate tightly and leaned his forehead onto his neck. "Feel better now?" **This is so bizarre and wrong…**

Sasuke nodded uncertainly, watching his breath swirl around his face as it came out in white puffs. **I'm going to die in this weather…** He could feel Kakashi's smile on his bare skin.

"Whoa, look at the time! It's late! We'd better get going…" Kakashi pulled away and yanked off his cape again, leaping off the wire. "We have a mission tomorrow morning!"

"HEY! Come back with that thing! I'm freezing right here! Hello? I don't care if you're my teacher, I'll kill you for not letting me wear that cape!"

_I swear I need to get the characters to cooperate more! Geez, this is ridiculous! Not _one_ of my chapters have gone smoothly! I'm going to fire these guys if they don't participate nicely!_


	6. AsumaHinata

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: As I said, this chapter will make you feel rather sick and nauseous! Don't question my sanity, it doesn't exist anymore. Enjoy a nice, random crack pairing!**

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator.

---

A certain Jounin was strolling down the murmuring streets of Konoha. Cigarette smoke fluttered around him as he walked at a somewhat lazy speed. His hands were in his pockets and he was simply enjoying the pleasant day. As he turned the corner, he turned his head a bit to see behind him.

Since he wasn't aware of what was in front of him, he was rather surprised when he impact as he rounded the turn. "Oh!" he exclaimed, quickly looking to who or what he just bumped into. **My first cameo in your wacko story and I crash into someone? That isn't very nice!** "I'm sorry about that," he apologized.

Pale, pupil-less eyes gazed back up at him. "It… It's okay…" A deep blush was swept across her face as she stood up with the help of Asuma's outstretched hand. **Ah… How embarrassing!**

"Are you okay?" the man asked as he lifted up the girl. **Do I know her?**

"I'm fine…" Hinata said quietly, she looked at the ground and found a small parcel wrapped in a handkerchief. "I'm glad this is okay…" she said under her breath. **Umm… Umm… What is this again?**

Asuma smiled widely. "I'm glad! Sorry for bumping into you like that!" he apologized again. **No, seriously, do I know her?**

**I don't understand what we're doing here…** She laughed lightly, her right hand covering her mouth a bit and her left hand still clutching onto the parcel. "It's alright. I was looking for you anyway…" **I was?**

**If this pairing is what I think it is, then you have the most twisted mind ever. **"Hm? Ah… Sorry… I can't recall when we have met before! Who are you again?" he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Hyuuga Hinata," she told him, blushing even deeper. **But wasn't that completely irrelevant to what I was saying?** Her warm eyes looked up at him.

"Oh, you're from Kurenai's team, right? Team … Eight, was it?" **It still doesn't ring a bell…**

Hinata nodded slightly. "I… I wanted to give you this, Asuma-sensei…" she held up the parcel and offered it to him politely. **But why am I giving him something? I barely even know him…**

"Thank you," he thanked, somewhat puzzled. **This isn't a trap or something is it?** He took the parcel and pulled at the bow at the top, loosening the tie and allowing the cloth to fall from the top of the box. He held a black box that was ornately decorated with golden filigrees. **This looks expensive. How much can I sell it for?**

"I… I… um… Thought that you might like some sweets?" Hinata looked away shyly and began clutching her hands nervously. **Do I always act like this?**

Asuma let out a hearty laugh. "You came all the way over here to give me some sweets?" he smiled good humouredly. **What kind of idiot would do that? I don't even see how in the world you came up with this pairing, you sicko.**

Once again, Hinata nodded, bravely looking up to see if the man liked her gift. **I've realized why Naruto-kun always comes back from your jobs fuming… Why did I even accept the job offering?**

"Hmm… Since you are so kind to me, I suppose I should treat you to something as well! To thank you for this and to apologize for knocking you over! Are you free today?" **Great, now I can join the "Pedophile Club" along with Kakashi… Thanks a lot…**

"Yes, I'm free for today…" Hinata looked up expectantly and smiled in her own gentle way. **Even _I_ must admit that this is vile…**

**---**

"Hmm… It's such a beautiful day today, isn't it, Hinata?" Asuma queried as they walked down a field covered in blooming flowers.

"Ah," she nodded slightly and wore her faint but ever-present smile. Her hands were clasped in front of her as the two of them walked down a path. **Where do you create these scenes from? I don't even think they exist in Konoha…**

"Still…" he took a long puff from his cigarette and looked down at the young girl next to him. **Oh geez, this isn't going to be good… I have that ominous feeling…**

"Hm?" the girl glanced up questioningly at the Jounin. **Is it too late to quit right now? Oh… This isn't good!**

Asuma smiled again before continuing his sentence. "Still… This day isn't as beautiful as you are, Hinata…" **Not only do I find this sick and wrong, I have to point out that it makes no sense. Just so you know.**

Hinata stumbled back a bit, a blush turning her face redder than rust. Wait, that's not a good shade of red… Hm… Blood? Gory… Gah, go find your own simile or something, geez…

**Uh… Yeah… I agree with what Asuma-sensei just said…**

"HO!"

The two of them snapped back and looked around quickly. Who was that?

Jiraiya leapt out of a spot from the field of flowers. His finger was pointing accusingly at the two of them. "You two!"

"It's not what you think it is!" Asuma threw his hands up quickly, trying to look innocent.

"What are you talking about?" He glanced between the two of them. "I'm here to save you from the terrible fate of the end of the chapter! Naruto told me about everything! He couldn't devise a good way to jump into the story and 'ruin' it, so I'm here!" Jiraiya whipped his head around, looking for something. "With… A frog!" he pulled one out of his pocket.

"Uh…" Asuma and Hinata looked at him.

"It's a good distraction! Watch…" he threw the frog into the field. "Now, while everyone's looking at that frog fly, run away! Go, run away from this chapter!"

And so they did.

_Look, there has to be a way to keep people from ruining my stories or running away from them, right? I'm going to find a way to do this! And Jiraiya isn't even supposed to show up until later! Waaay later! Darn them all! Sorry guys, all my chapters are getting messed up because of them!_


	7. TemaTen

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: I've written many yaoi stories, so I decided to make a yuri chapter this time. There weren't many characters to choose from. A grand total of five female ninjas. I have no idea how people got up with this pairing, but… go with the flow, right? And as a test to see how many people actually read the author's note, the first person to send me a message will get to choose how the next chapter ends! Just send me a message, and if I send it back to you asking you for an idea for the ending, you've got it! Nothing too bizarre, please. I won't be following it word for word though!**

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator.

---

_Sigh._

A sigh amongst the wind. The breeze which so carelessly took it away from the mouth that it came from. A sigh that was not heard by anyone but the one who had let it out.

_Drip_.

A tear slipping past a blade of grass. The fold in the grass that so gracefully allowed the drop to fall to the ground. A tear that was not acknowledged by anyone but the one who had shed it.

_Rustle_.

A movement disturbing the calmness of the surroundings. The cloth that quietly shifted from the body that was standing up. A movement that was not seen by anyone but the one who moved.

"Well… Time to get back…" she said, wiping away her tears and forcing a smile on her face. A strand of hair that had fallen from the usually neat buns that held it tickled her eyes as she darted from tree to tree. **Wow, you just had to go overboard for the beginning of this chapter and made it all angsty, huh?**

Tenten was trying to go back to Konoha before the night fell. Even with her vision blurred from the speed that she was going at, she could not help but to notice a small glint off in the distance. It wasn't much but it was noticeable. She changed directions and went toward that small glint. **I'm guessing you ran out of ideas to make me meet whoever the heck I'm paired up with this chapter?**

A sleek fan was placed against a tree. The girl immediately recognized it. **I do?**

"What a surprise seeing you here," a voice said as she stepped out from some trees. **… Is this what Gaara was mumbling about? Disappearing from Suna all of a sudden?**

"Oh… It is you…" **What's her name again?**

Blonde hair shone in the dying light and bright eyes looked back at her. **Have we met before?**

Tenten leapt down from the tree and stood up in a fluid motion, a small smile on her face. **Uh… Let's see… What _is_ your name?**

"Tenten… You've been crying?" **Whoa, that's scary! I said her name even though I don't know it!** Temari's sharp eyes noted the blotchiness of her face and the red-rimmed eyes.

"N-No," she lied hopelessly, her hand brushing against her face. "I wasn't… Temari…"** So _that's _your name! I forgot… When did we meet before?**

…**Uh… I think… Hmm… I don't know…** Temari laughed harshly, picking up her fan again. "You're a bad liar."

**Yeah, I know…** "What are you doing here?" she nervously tried to change the subject.

"I'm here to deliver a message to the Hokage," the older girl told her. **What message?**

"We'd better hurry then. It's going to be dark soon," Tenten jumped back up onto a tree and waited for Temari to do the same. **What's up with me jumping on and off trees? I'm not a frog!**

"Hm…" Temari nodded curtly and followed Tenten as they raced back. "So… Why were you crying?" **Isn't it considered rude to prod into someone's emotions like this?**

"I wasn't crying!" Tenten almost growled angrily. Her speed picked up all of a sudden.

"Okay, okay…" the blonde raised her eyebrows and left it off at that.

---

"Y-you really want to know?" **What am I talking about again?**

It was a day after the two of them had met. People bustled around them as they wandered around the streets. Temari was looking around aimlessly while Tenten had her hands tucked behind her back and was looking shyly at the ground.

"Know what?" Temari asked distractedly. **You make me sound like I'm crazy or something…**

"Why… I was crying yesterday…" Tenten whispered, forcing Temari to lean in a bit to hear her say it. **I don't want to act like Hinata!**

"If you want to tell me…" she glanced away, slightly uninterested in the topic. **Yeah, who wouldn't be bored to death hanging out with you?**

"… Come with me then…" Tenten looked up and grabbed her hand, dragging her away somewhere. **You're going to make up a new area for us, aren't you? I can just sense it! You've been making so many random places for this series of stories…**

---

"… This…" **'is creepy…'** Temari said quietly, looking over all the tombstones.

Tenten nodded. **I know it's creepy…** "These are my parents' graves…" **And we're standing on them right now? Thanks a lot…**

**I thought you didn't have a background story!** "Oh…"

**I don't. She made it up. This is so lame…** "They died in the battle against Kyuubi…"

**That's blatantly ripped off of Iruka's story, isn't it?** "I'm sorry…" Temari hugged Tenten.

**I believe so… And why are you hugging me?** "I… I just… keep thinking of them… So lonely…"

Temari placed her chin onto Tenten's head, her eyes heavy with sadness. **It's not like I really feel like hugging you right now… No offense or anything, but…**

**Someone really should fire this author…** "All alone… And even my team is not much help… They… don't know…. But it hurts to be alone…"

**And that part is… What's that kid's name again? Naruto's words, aren't they?** "But now I know…" Temari released her from their hug a bit and smeared the tears off a bit. A small smile was on her lips.

**I'm starting to think that she's running out of ideas and is just stealing other character's background stories…** "But…" Tenten started only to lose her words as she started to cry again.

"Don't worry… I'm here with you…" Temari leaned down and put her cheek against Tenten's as a sign of affection. **Oh crap. This isn't going to be good. **"Don't you know?"

Tenten froze up. She didn't understand what Temari was doing. She shook her head at the question. **Quick! Think of some way to get out of here before anything happens!**

**I'm thinking, I'm thinking! Dang…** "Don't you know that… I love you?"

**We're too late…** Tenten started to cry again but this time they were tears of joy. No one had ever said that to her.

"Temari…" **Hey! I remember when we met! It was in the preliminaries in the Chuunin Exam, right?**

"Everything's going to be okay..." **Sure, let's go with that… Met during the Chuunin Exam… Yeah…**

The ground began to split open and a bony, flesh rotting hand shot out from the ground. Both girls jumped away and screamed.

"Hey! Get out of here!" Kankuro was sitting on top of a tombstone with chakra strings flowing from his fingertips. "You have no idea how much I rushed to get over here! Come on, get with the act. Killer zombies or something, right?"

"You're a lifesaver, little brother!" Temari yelled and ran off quickly.

"Eep!" Tenten scurried out quickly as well.

_I thought raising the dead was considered impolite!_


	8. NaruHina

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: Don't kill me after reading this. I don't really have anything against Hinata, but I just don't like the pairing all that much…**

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator.

---

Naruto walked down the street slowly. He stopped suddenly and looked around suspiciously. His head turned slowly back as he scanned the area around him. **I wanna sneeze…**

He took a step backwards and began walking to a wooden telephone pole a few feet from where he was standing. The blonde stopped walking and stood there for a few seconds. "Hinata, what are you doing?" **Whoa, why are you here?**

**I… c-can't really… answer that…** "N-Naruto-kun! Um… Um… What are you doing here?" she blushed deeply and tried to change the subject. Her pale eyes darted around nervously.

Naruto immediately dropped the topic. His suspicion didn't go through his thick head. **You're calling me stupid, aren't you?** "I'm heading over to Ichiraku for some ramen!" he proclaimed loudly to her.

"Ah… Um… May… May I join you?" she asked shyly, not looking at his eyes but resorting to poking her fingers together. **You're… making us… go on a date? **

"Hm? Sure! Come on, Hinata!" he grabbed her hand and dragged her away from her hiding place. **Ramen here we come! This is nice!**

Hinata balked and tried to stay back, her face red with embarrassment as she looked at his hand in her's. **He's… holding my hand!**

"What's wrong, Hinata?" Naruto looked back curiously. **Nooo, my ramen!**

She looked down again and tried to find an excuse to make him let go. If he didn't soon, she'll faint for sure. **This isn't good…** "Uh… I'm not that hungry right now, let's walk for a bit first!" she suggested a bit too quickly.

"Oh, sure. That's fine!" he grinned at her and let go of her hand. **Bu-but Gama-chan is all full and ready! **"Where do you want to go?"

"Well…" she said quietly, "if you'd like, I want to show you a spot where I always go…" **B-but I don't know where…**

"Okay!" he yelled boisterously and waited for her to start walking. **Raaamen….**

---

"Has your training been getting better now, Hinata?" Naruto asked her as they climbed a gently sloping hill. **Where did this thing come from?**

"Yes… Thank you for asking…" Hinata blushed and took up her guts to take a small glance at him. **Where is this place?**

… **Hinata is so quiet and weird… **"I'm glad!" his eyes were closed as he grinned widely. He turned his head and stopped walking when he saw that Hinata had halted.

Her right hand was stretched out timidly and she was pointing back to the direction they just came from. **But what am I pointing _at_?** "Look," she told him shyly.

"Huh?" Naruto turned back to look at what she was pointing to. "Ah…" They were standing on the top of the hill now. He could see where Konoha was. It was stretched out like a haphazardly cut out piece of cloth, stretched out and placed onto the ground. **I don't like heights that much…**

"It's pretty isn't it?" she sighed and sat down on the grass, tucking her legs under her. **It's nice spending time with Naruto-kun like this…**

"Not as… -ata…" Naruto muttered quietly. **What in the world does that mean?**

"Did you say something, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked, growing bolder by the minute. **I don't think he said that loudly enough…**

Naruto laughed noisily and tried to hide a blush. "Ah, no, I didn't say anything!" he waved his hands in front of him nervously. **I'm not shy like that! What is wrong with you?!**

They spent a good half hour sitting up there shyly discussing various topics. Hinata started to talk a bit more but that blush never left her face. As for Naruto, well, he was loud enough to scare off most of the wildlife around them…

---

"Are you hungry now, Hinata?" Naruto inquired as they skid back down the hill. **I'm starving right now…**

She didn't say anything but nodded slightly. **Not really, but… that's okay.**

A smile adorned his face as they walked back in the direction of the village. Several times during their walk, Naruto's hand twitched a few times, but he didn't do anything else. **Oh geez, I'm getting seizures now?**

"Um… Naruto-kun, you shouldn't eat so fast…" Hinata told him as she watched Naruto practically swallow the ramen without chewing it. **Have you ever choked before, Naruto-kun?**

"Hrmph?" he asked her while he still had a mouthful of ramen. **I don't think so… **He swallowed it and nodded, blushing a bit. "Sorry…" he apologized.

"No, no!" she raised her hands and smiled a bit. "That's not what I mean, it's just that you might choke or something if you eat so quickly!" **Th-that's what I was saying…**

"Oh…" he smiled as well. "Thanks…" **For what?**

**That's my next line, Naruto-kun… **"Why are you thanking me?" she tilted her head to the side, looking at him curiously.

Naruto turned his head so that he wasn't looking at her. "For… worrying about me…" he said quietly. He thought that if he said it softly enough, she wouldn't hear him. **Everyone worries about me choking, what are you talking about?**

**Wow, I really wish Naruto-kun would say that to me…** Hinata turned bright red and hurriedly began eating her ramen again.

When they were done eating, the two of them sat there, not speaking. Several times Ayame walked by them, glancing over to them and smiling to herself cheerfully.

"N-Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked quietly, reverting back to her shy state. **Am I really this shy?**

**I want more ramen… **"Hm?" he turned to look at her.

"Um…" she forced herself to look into his eyes. "I… I want to… tell you something…" **I don't like this part of the script….**

**What are you talking about, Hinata? I have so many scripts to remember I don't even remember this part… **"Go ahead," Naruto said, urging her to go on.

"Naruto-kun… I've… I've always liked you… Um…" she said softly. **Ah… I'm so embarrassed! Oh no…** Ayame had just accidentally dropped a bowl and it crashed on the floor.

"Huh?" I couldn't hear you…" he said apologetically. **What was that?**

"I… love you!" she said a bit too loudly, but at least this time it was audible. **I can't believe you made me say it twice! What is he going to think of me now?**

And then Hinata choked on her saliva and died.

"What?" Naruto raised his eyebrow as Hinata fell over her chair.

_Hey, I'm the writer of this fanfiction and you don't get to complain. Just go with the thing, okay?_

"Erm.. Okay then…?" Naruto scratched his head. "Ayame-neechan?" he called her over. "Can I get another bowl of ramen, please?"

_What? You're not even going to pick Hinata up or something _before_ ordering more? Man, you're even meaner than I thought!_


	9. ItaSasu

This is NOT a MST!

Warnings!: Okay, guys. Because there are so many wacky, and sometimes just plain cracked up pairings, out there in the Naruto fanfiction universe, I've taken it to the next level and decided to take a fun poke at all of them! I mean no harm to anyone who ships a certain pairing, nor am I here to insult anyone. I'm simply taking all the Naruto characters and their respective pairings, putting their personalities into the stories and making them react as they really would. If you are going to be oversensitive and overprotective about your pairing and you know that you will flame me to death, please don't read! This is only for fun and nothing else!

**A/N: Wow, I take forever to upload this thing! Whatever, have fun.**

Anything in **bold** from now on will be the character's true personality and their own words and thoughts. I only forced them into these situations, so have fun seeing how they react to my script!

Also, whenever they seem to be talking to you, as in referring to the story/ script, they are actually insulting me, the plot creator.

---

The cell was dark. Damp. Cold. Moldy. Unpleasant. Disgusting. Quiet… Silent…

And there were chains. Icy, metal chains. Rusted chains. Chains that held one to the wall.

The mossy wall. The slimy wall. Stone walls. Metal bars. A cell.

A person.

A boy.

A man.

**What the heck am I doing here?** Sasuke woke up and looked around his surroundings. "Wh-where am I?" he rasped. The chains that held his arms clanged as he moved.

"You're finally awake… Little brother…" **Aren't I supposed to be somewhere else right now? Priorities…**

He looked up weakly. There was a shadow. A looming shadow. A familiar shadow. "Aniki…" **After all that he did to our clan, should I seriously still call him that?**

A laugh echoed through the small cell. "So you haven't forgotten this older brother of your's… Sasuke…" **Haha, that's hilarious. How _could_ he forget? I killed our entire family, idiot!**

… **Yeah, actually, he has a point, y'know…** "Aniki… Please, let me go… Please…" Sasuke's desperate voice mingled in with Itachi's ever lingering laugh.

"Why are you in such a hurry to get out of here? Don't you miss your brother?" Itachi's robe rustled onto the cold concrete floor as he walked closer to Sasuke. **Once again, why would he miss me?**

… **I hate you.**

**I hate you too, Sasuke, now shut up and follow the script. Who wrote this thing anyway?**

**An idiot. Whom everyone seems to love for some reason…**

Sasuke shuddered as his brother crouched in front of him and looked at him. He turned away.

"Look at me Sasuke. It's so impolite of you to look away," Itachi commanded.

The younger boy refused to look at his brother. He shivered in the cold. The harsh metal against his skin wasn't comfortable. Blood could not reach his legs, which were tucked under him in an awkward position. **Itai, that hurts man… Make me move around or something…**

**Haha, Sasuke-chan's suffering!** Itachi growled and grabbed Sasuke's chin. Forcefully, he pulled his head until they were looking at each other eye to eye.

"**Sasuke-chan"? What is wrong with you?** Sasuke could feel the air around him turn even colder as he met his brother's gaze. His lips were quivering in fear.

A smile rested on Itachi's lips as he looked at his brother 'lovingly'. "What's wrong? Is something scaring you, little brother?"

**No, it's just your breath.** Sasuke's head dropped when Itachi's hand left his chin and he stood up again. His skin came alive with goosebumps as the cloth of his robe brushed by.

"You have no idea how much trouble I went through to get you here…" The man was no longer facing the younger boy. His back was to him as he stared out of the broken bars that kept the boundaries of the cell. **I kept telling Kisame that knocking you out was easier, but _no_ he kept insisting that shaving off your leg would be better… Be thankful, idiot.**

**He needs therapy… **"Why?" Sasuke's voice came out in shards. It broke and cracked even in that single syllable.

"Don't you know, Sasuke?" **How many times do I have to repeat his name? **He turned around and glared down at his little brother again.

Sasuke weakly tilted his head up as well, the chains clinking against each other again. Ink black eyes examined each other. Finally, Itachi blinked slowly and began laughing again.** Haha, Itachi, I won the staring contest!**

"You really don't know. How stupid are you, little brother?" **_Very_ stupid, huh?**

**That was a rhetoric question… Why were you answering it anyway?** Sasuke's weak breathing filled the cell as he waited. Each passing second felt like hell. He was so weak, so tired…

"It's such a shame seeing you like this," Itachi veered off the original topic. **_Itachi _veered off topic huh? That's some lame excuse for dragging this chapter for longer than intended. **His face was riddled with the shadows that filled the cell. There was barely any light to begin with.

It was Sasuke's turn to let out a feeble laugh. "Like you really care?"

"Of course I do." **No, I don't.**

**No, you don't. **Sasuke's eyes widened at the statement. "Liar…" his eyes began to fill with tears. **I. Don't. Cry.**

**Whoa, you're actually making him cry. Creepy.** "I'm not lying, Sasuke," Itachi turned to face him again. "You still don't know the reason, Sasuke?"

Through his blurry vision, Sasuke shook his head. The salty liquid fell from his eyelashes and traveled down his cheeks where they glistened. **I haven't cried like this… since I cut up those garlic last week. Geez, too much eyedropper!**

**What, did you want them to stab you in the eye instead? Lots of tears and blood as well.**

**I'll pass.**

"Ignorant brother of mine…" Itachi swiftly walked back over to him. He bent down and held his face in his hand. **Wow, they put this much makeup on you, huh?** Grime and tears mixed together into an indescribable mess.

**Look who's talking, Mr. I Wear Girly Purple Nail Varnish.** Sasuke cried uncontrollably. His shoulders shook as he stared back into Itachi's eyes.

"I've always loved you, little brother… But it was something more than brotherly love," Itachi whispered into his ear. **First you put Hinata and Asuma together…**

**I think I prefer being paired up with Naruto, thank you very much… This is much worst than that… Urk… I'm going to be sick for a while.** The younger Uchiha's eyes shone with tears and hope.

Itachi leaned in closer to Sasuke's quivering lips. His eyelashes fanned out as he closed his eyes. Sasuke's breath became more rapid.

The wall next to them was broken down point zero two seconds before they actually kissed.

"Hey! You two. Uchiha Itachi and Sasuke, right?" Orange hair flamed through the dark cell.

Itachi stood up and looked at the new person.

"Heeey, you're from _Bleach_! What the heck are you doing here? You're not even supposed to be here!" Sasuke yelled.

"Look, I was just hired to break this thing okay. You really want to make out with your brother?" Ichigo took Zangetsu off his shoulder and pointed it at Itachi.

Sasuke shook his head.

"Okay then, I'm getting you out of here," the orange haired boy slashed at the flimsy chains that held Sasuke and pulled him up. "You coming too?" he asked Itachi.

"Sure, I think I chipped a nail off all that…"

And so they all left from the giant gaping hole in the cell.

_And… I'm left without a pairing again. Geez, where did Ichigo come from? (sigh) I'm going to have to hire guards for this thing if people keep interrupting my perfectly awesome plots!_


	10. TsunadeNaruto

**A/N: Surprise, surprise! There isn't a whole block of text before hand. That's because I need to announce something, and you guys better pay attention!**

**Special News: If I get _one_ more review that says "Please update soon!" or "Maybe you should write about someone/someone pairing next!" I will seriously stop writing this. I can whip up the strangest, cracked up-est, most disgusting, wrong, funny, and weird pairings if I really wanted to. But if I don't _feel_ like writing, I won't. Stop offering me pairings. I have all of them. I can pick two pieces of paper out of a hat. I can do anything to get pairings. Now stop ordering me! And the "Please update soon!" is pressuring me to write cruddy chapters and it's getting me mad. Thanks for reading. Or not. If people continue doing this, I will only allow FIVE, maximum FIVE, 'accidental' reviews/ private messages to pass before I permanently stop writing this. Except for maybe close friends.**

**---**

"But baa-chan!"

"Quiet, Naruto."

The demand made him stop. It was quiet for once. The room was quiet… Quiet…

**Okay, idiot, you can stop repeating the same word over and over again…** Tsunade stood up from her chair and turned around so that her back was facing Naruto.

The blonde boy stood there dejectedly. His face fell and his hands unclenched from their fists. **Hm… So what's happening here? The script was incomplete.**

"There's nothing I can do about it…" the Hokage's voice gently rang through the room. Her voice was exceptionally soft this time. **So you're saying that I scream all the time? Is that it? Huh?**

**Look, baa-chan. You're as loud as I am, if not louder!** Naruto didn't say anything. He only sighed.

"I'm sorry, Naruto… I tried, but there's no other way…" Tsunade turned back to face the boy. Her face was gentle as she spoke.

"I understand…" he said, nearly inaudibly. "But still…" he brought up his hands and made his palms face the ceiling. He took a step forward. **I surrender! Wait, no I don't!**

**Ahahaha, no.** "Naruto, there's no way!" her voice rose an octave higher and louder. Her own hands came down onto the wooden desk with a resounding slam.

He flinched when she yelled. His hands dropped. **So meaaaan, baa-chan!**

She shook her head slowly and sighed. "I'm sorry…" she repeated. **I didn't mean to destroy Ichiraku, I swear!**

**Yeah, right…** He looked at her despondently. "But…"

"I know… Everyone went through so much trouble…" **Yeah, plotting out the destruction of Ichiraku took _months_!**

**Baa-chan, I don't think that's what the script is telling us to say…** Tears suddenly began to overflow from his eyes. "Baa-chan…" he bit his lower lip. "Isn't there any other way?"

Tsunade's eyes dropped. "I… I wish there was, Naruto…" she said, her voice barely above a whisper. **Eh? No? That's now how it goes? Well, gee, tell me earlier next time, brat!**

**Well, it _is _your first time being forced into one of these, huh?** "Please, baa-chan! Everyone! Everyone… for so many years…"

"Naruto! You don't understand!" she yelled at him, leaning over the desk. "There's nothing we can do! Even if we don't do that, there will be trouble!" **My throat hurts…**

**Tough luck, baa-chan.** Naruto took a step forward and placed his hands onto the desk as well, barely gripping onto the edge. "Baa-chan…" he breathed, tears still shining from his eyes.

"You worked especially hard to bring him back, didn't you, brat?" she smiled sadly at him. **"Him", huh? That only means one person! Itachi!**

**Heck no! Have you gone senile?! **"I… I can't imagine life without him… Baa-chan…" his voice broke as tears fell onto the polished wood of the desk.

"No one can… He's a part of our lives…" she sighed. "But because of his betrayal to us… We must kill him…"** Oh, come _on_! It _has_ to be Itachi!**

**Ten bowls of ramen says it's not. **"But why so soon? Why tomorrow, baa-chan?" he yelled with a wavering voice. His fist slammed onto the table several times before he was reduced to a hunched over figure.

Tsunade began rubbing his back soothingly. "We can't afford to delay it any longer, Naruto… He'll be executed tomorrow…" **Uh… No, that's the most one-sided gamble ever…** "Uchiha… Sasuke, huh?"

"S… Sasuke…" Naruto sobbed on his arm. **What? This isn't supposed to be SasuNaru again! We went through that Hell in chapter one!**

**This means…**

**Crap.**

"Naruto… Don't worry… Please stop crying…" Tsunade said, tears threatening her as well. Her voice shook a bit. She walked around the desk and placed her hand onto Naruto's back. **Ooh, shoot. We guessed right. This is sick.**

**I'm in the perfect position to barf right now…** "Baa-chan! Sasuke… Sasuke can't die!" he cried.

**Not on my paperwork, brat. **"No one will accept his return… You know that. And he's the biggest threat to Konoha right now. Isn't that our goal? To protect Konoha with our lives?"

**Uwah, now I can't even barf where I want to?** "Then… I'll be all alone, baa-chan… I don't want to be alone again…"

**My office. My word is law.** "You won't be alone…" she reassured him, her brown eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

"Then who do I have?" he shot up and glared at her vehemently. **Mood swings, much? I'm not that unstable, y'know…**

"You have Kakashi, Sakura, Iruka, Jiraiya, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru, and so many other people… Naruto, you aren't alone…" **Might as well go listing off the entire cast of _Naruto_, huh?**

**Yeah, there's a list somewhere if you need it.** "Without him… It's the same as being all by myself… There's no difference!"

"Naruto… You have me…" Tsunade's eyes stared back into his own. **I don't want to join Asuma and Kakashi with the Pedophile Club…**

**And we're the ones getting the torture. Mental scarring, yep.** Naruto's blue ones steadied but more tears flowed.

Tsnuade opened her arms and walked to him. He didn't move when she hugged him. **… Brat, you will die later.**

**You _seriously_ think I want to hug you? **"Baa-chan…" he whimpered quietly, still crying.

"Don't worry, Naruto… I'll be here for you… Okay?" she mumbled into his hair.

"Hey. What's all this about killing me?"

Naruto and Tsunade looked up. The window was broken. How was it broken? There was no sound! Sasuke was perching on the edge of the broken glass.

"The plot just gets thicker… More bizarre and wrong with each passing day, doesn't it, teme?" Naruto dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief. "And our eyedroppers are running out too."

"No kidding…" Tsunade grabbed a tissue and scrubbed off the liquid.

"So… What's our escape plan this time?" Sasuke asked, somewhat bored.

"Yeah, I've got an idea…" Tsunade whipped out a copy of the script and a brush. She began scribbling on it.

"What are you writing?" the blonde boy asked.

"I'll read it… 'And all of a sudden Orochimaru appeared!'"

Orochimaru poofed in the middle of the room.

"The heck?" he muttered, looking around.

"'Then he kidnapped Sasuke and Naruto…'"

The man ran over to the boys and grabbed them by the collars.

"Urk!" they both gurgled.

"'And then they jumped out of the window, never to be seen again.'"

They did so. They sort of disappeared before they reached the floor.

"'Tsunade was last seen murdering the author of this horrific fanfiction. The end.'"

_Dangerous job, isn't this?_


End file.
